Do you believe anyone is entitled to offer you criticism and/or feedback on your writing?
Is part of what keeps you from expressing yourself, the fear of others' reactions?
Is part of what keeps you from writing the fear that you are not a skilled enough writer?
Building yourself a container
One concept that frequently arises in the work I’m doing lately in the community is the idea of creating a "container" to hold whatever intention is being set forth for the gathering. I’m learning about this. I’m not an expert. There are many ways to create a container. For example, the name of our monthly public read-aloud event is “Women Who Write to Heal”. The name alone serves to attract certain people and repel others. Last month, I jokingly suggested we rename the event to “Women Who Burn it Down,” which gives it a more fiery socio-political vibe. At another event, one audience member proposed “Stand-up Tragedy” as an alternative. Clever, but no. You can feel the different mood with each suggested name. The name “Women Who Write to Heal” emphasizes the vulnerability of sharing stories of healing, and it also highlights the importance of healing over ranting and complaining. In this way, the name of an event can help create the container. We have also created a container for this event by having a moderator and designating one of the co-organizers as a reader each month. As co-organizers, we recognize the vulnerability and bravery it takes to participate in this event and believe it's essential to stay connected to the experience – voice shaking, stumbling over words, making mistakes, all of it. Discussing something is easier than actually doing it. It gets easier, but it is never easy, at least not so far.
I preface this blog with the concept of creating a container because I realized part of what I’m doing by writing my blog is creating a container for myself. I am speaking to myself, but by sharing, I am extending this container to other women who write as well.
My story of healing from trauma within my family home is as vulnerable as it gets. Sharing has helped me tremendously. I do know it has been helpful to some other people as well, but that is not my focus. I want everyone to heal, but I know that is not within my control, and not everyone wants to. So, I choose to focus on what heals me. This may appear to critics as narcissistic, but hey, they are the ones slinging insults, not me.
I still doubt myself often, but there is never any doubt that I plan to continue sharing my story publicly. Why? Because I feel called to. I don’t know all the details, I just know I’m being called. My memoir about my awakening and healing process is currently in the editing stage, and once it is complete, I will seek out a publisher or consider self-publishing. One way or another, I will do what I can, when I can, to share it with the world and speak on behalf of myself and others with similar stories and interests.
I have had the privilege of attending numerous writing workshops over the last several years, and I would like to share some of the valuable insights I have gained. I especially want you to start noticing all of the societal forces that are unintentionally (or intentionally) serving to silence you.
I was inspired to write this particular blog after reading a literary review in the Guardian about Elizabeth Gilbert’s new memoir, “All the Way to the River”. I haven’t read her memoir yet, but I’d love to. I am a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert, not just her writing, but also the woman herself. Big Magic is magic. This review of her new memoir in the Guardian was harsh and incited an enormous amount of hate and negativity towards Gilbert on social media. The woman who wrote the review is highly educated, well-spoken, and an award-winning writer, including writing memoirs. I doubt Elizabeth Gilbert reads reviews or cares about literary critique. Still, I do, because they can have larger, more negative implications for society. The first problem, as I already mentioned, is that media-driven criticism incited hate towards Gilbert. Even if Elizabeth Gilbert is unscathed, it may serve to deter other women writers from writing or sharing their stories. Women sharing true stories can help heal those seeking healing, and when healing occurs, worlds shift for the better. This has been my life experience. So I disapprove of the nature of the negative critiques being delivered to Liz Gilbert. Everyone is free to speak, but I wish people would do so with more heart and a deeper understanding of the larger impacts on women writers who are trying to heal. I'm on the side of these women.
Solicited literary critiques in a private setting are one thing.
Public unsolicited literary critiques from influential media outlets are another. Public literary critiques exist on the premise that the writer’s role is to please, entertain, or impress the audience. When women write to heal, that should be the least of our priorities. Our priority should be doing whatever it takes to heal ourselves.
So that is my opinion. Liz Gilbert's mob doesn't deter me from sharing my story; moreover, it just helps prepare me for similar criticism and reminds me to limit my engagement and maintain a self-reflective, self-responsible focus.
I was at a writer’s conference a couple of years ago, and one of the speakers suggested that other people aren’t entitled to provide you with unsolicited feedback or criticism on your writing. Until then, I unconsciously accepted that this was just something you had to receive as a writer. Kind of like women just have to absorb other forms of unwanted treatment. Oh, you want to insult me? Oh, of course, I’m a woman, go right ahead. Comes with the territory!
You can say NO (or no thank you)
Others are not actually entitled to give you feedback, regardless of whether they are a highly educated professional literary critic or Joe Schmoe off the street. Of course, it will happen, but you don’t need to engage. You can ask for it from certain people, which could be wise and help you grow, but that is your choice, not the choice of others. A friend read a draft of my memoir, which basically lays my soul bare, and initially her only feedback was, “I can send you over your grammar errors”. I said, “No, thank you”. I am not upset with her because I don’t think she knew what to say, and I don’t always know what to say either. I was really proud of myself for my response. We are all learning. I shared an unedited draft of my story to overcome fear, not to impress others. It worked! I'm much more comfortable discussing my book and my story now, and I am better prepared to handle the wide variety of reactions that come with being a self-aware, truth-telling female memoir writer—the type of writer that those who uphold the status quo despise the most. It would be so much easier to make up stories and stay anonymous, but that is not what is being asked of me (and many of us).
If part of the reason you're holding back on writing what you want to write is the fear of criticism, I hope this helps. Criticism doesn’t have to be a part of your life. I now have a professional editor whom I respect and who treats me and my story with great respect. I am immensely enjoying addressing her feedback, even though it was a bit difficult to receive. Once the little sting subsided, I learned so much. She is a warrior on behalf of women's brave stories. I choose to listen to her and learn from her. She is effective.
If you are going to offer feedback to an author, consider these questions. Is my input solicited? Will the feedback serve to discourage, deter, or silence an underrepresented story or population? Is my feedback serving pretentious, ego-driven, patriarchal ideals of literary excellence, or is it serving the human being behind the story and/or society at large? Am I meeting this person with the same level of vulnerability they have shown? Have I been through a similar experience and created a similar piece of work?
There is a place for literary critique and excellence, but it is a small place in comparison to the truth, heart, and healing needed in our society. I envision a world where truth, heart, and healing take place in public, and literary critiques take place in private.
Another great sentiment is from Denzel Washington, “You’ll never be criticized by someone who is doing more than you. You’ll always be criticized by someone doing less. Remember that”
A final tidbit from a writer’s conference. Your book isn’t going to jump onto shelves and into the arms of massively powerful literary critics, so don't stop before you start. Even in the world of self-publishing and social media, it is pretty challenging to get eyes on your work unless you are well-connected or already have a massive platform. Just write and share as much as you can, and let it take you where it is meant to take you.
Art is subjective, life itself is subjective, and subjectively “poorly” written stories can change lives for the better. Well-written stories may offer no societal value. You just write.
The appreciation, recognition, and value of written work always takes place within. It never takes place outside of yourself, even when others are involved. The same goes for healing. You just keep writing.
Thank you to the writers who shared valuable insights with me at conferences. I'm sorry, I don't remember your names, but I trust it is okay to share this wisdom for the good of the order.
May you be inspired to write and heal
Love, Megan
