A tale of two deer: Ego vs. Nervous System
When I was in the early stages of healing, I was pretty much always dysregulated, aka triggered. For most of my early adult life, drinking and smoking “regulated” my nervous system. I didn’t know anything about buried trauma. When drinking and smoking quit working, my body had a lot to say. Pain, anxiety, and panic erupted within me along with memories of childhood abuse. It was horrible, and there was very little help. People made everything worse. I happened to encounter a gifted therapist/healer who very well may have saved me from adrenal failure, but besides her, there was nothing and no one I could find to help me. Yes, I survived, but I have resources others may not have, such as resilience, many past lives, a very strong physical body, and overall good health. Please do not take my story of sobriety and healing as a sign that nothing needs to change. It’s the opposite. So much needs to change!
When I was first healing, it helped to be outside in nature. I lived on the edge of a forest, and I would sit out on the deck and read books by spiritual teachers like Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron. There was a deer trail next to the deck, and when I heard the deer coming, I would startle (get triggered), and the deer would bolt - running wildly across the driveway and out of sight. As the days and weeks went by, I became more familiar with the sounds of the deer approaching, and I wouldn’t startle as easily. I challenged myself to see how calm I could stay when they approached. Each day, they would come closer, but if I twitched, even slightly, they would bolt. Eventually, we got used to each other, and they would walk right by me. Neither of us startled. We had successfully assessed each other and concluded that we weren’t out to harm each other, and we all relaxed. This was great, but people are much scarier than animals. Humans can inflict much greater psychological, emotional, and physical suffering on one another than animals can. Animals are mostly just trying to eat their dinner, enjoy their naps and playfulness, and avoid death. For many of us who have survived complex trauma, death is the least of our concerns. Living is the hard part. People are the hard part. I could happily live in the mountains and commune only with deer. However, deeper healing and greater freedom require more than the happiness that comes with the safety found in isolation. In my experience, it requires growth, participation, and facing our fears as we are able. We deserve to participate fully in life. We should not allow ourselves to be shoved into isolated corners of the woods, however lovely they may be. This is very difficult work because most environments are not designed to support a person’s emotional, psychological, and physical safety and well-being. What survivors of childhood abuse need to feel safe isn't extreme; it's just not common. This all came up because I was finding myself getting triggered when gathering with a respected spiritual teacher, and I couldn’t figure out whether I was scared of her because of potential harmful behavior or because my ego was fearing its own demise. Are survivors of complex trauma less cut out for enlightenment? Ego destruction is harsh, and survivors of complex trauma have likely had enough harshness for one lifetime. We need tenderness. Is there a way to address the ego issues with more tenderness? I’m not sure, but I think so. I think I can be more tender. I’m going to continue to explore this.
This morning, I went outside to get some wood for the fireplace, and two young deer approached to eat the apples I left out for them. The apples had fallen from the apple tree in the backyard. One of the deer was clearly less nervous than the other. It walked right by me, close enough that I could have reached out and touched it. The other deer startled and ran into the neighbor’s yard. Once I was inside, it rejoined its sibling at the apple pile. I opened the door to take a photo, and the same thing happened. The nervous deer startled, and the other deer looked up calmly, then went back to eating.
Do deer that startle more easily have delicate nervous systems? Does the calm deer have a more robust nervous system? Or is it possible that the deer that is more easily startled is more attuned to the potential for harmful behavior? I would bet that these two little deer have had different life experiences, which have shaped their nervous systems. They don’t have egos, so nothing is taken personally, yet they startle.
The point is, we may want to be cautious of assuming those of us with a highly sensitive nervous system are delicate or otherwise faulty. We are likely extremely attuned to situations that could *potentially harm. Asterisk on *potentially because healing happens when you start to be able to step back and assess and discern these *potential threats. When I’m triggered, the message is always intelligent; however, my interpretations and reactions to these triggers are not always wise. For example, in my early days of healing, if someone triggered me, I would email them and make sure they understood why they sucked. Now, when I’m triggered, I take time to regulate, see both sides, and assess whether it’s worth a conversation to try to resolve, whether it’s time to move on from that relationship, or whether I can just let it go and adjust my behavior to avoid future issues. I rarely straight-out blame someone for triggering me. I trigger people often, also. Sometimes, when I know it happens, I reach out to discuss, and sometimes I don’t. I’m not sure how often I trigger people without realizing it. People be people-ing. As I continue to heal, I do engage more with different types of people and in different settings, but I am very discerning. I don’t think my nervous system is delicate. Egos are delicate. Nervous systems are usually not. How do we deal with our egos while caring for our nervous systems? First, by recognizing that they are not the same thing. Nervous systems attune to nature; egos attune to culture. Nature is wise. Humans are learning.
Guru deer, guru deer, deer deer, guru guru.
I am a work in progress. Just because I found some significant healing from complex trauma doesn’t necessarily mean I’m great at supporting others with similar trauma. I’m going to try to do better. Here are some statements I have come up with that I will try to say out loud more often. These are things that I appreciate hearing from others.
If you are triggered, I want to hear about it. I won’t blame you or treat you like you are weak or crazy. I want to understand more about your experience.
I will do my best to listen, examine my own behavior, and take responsibility for my part, if you are willing to do the same.
You are strong. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to look at my role in the situation. I want to examine my participation in systems that have harmed you and that harm children. I will try to be tender with you, while still telling the truth.